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Post by rosyd555333 on Jul 25, 2012 15:37:43 GMT -5
Please post helpful reviews for my story here. This is my first fanfiction, so please tell me if my writing's ok. Also, please tell me if I have made a formatting or grammar error or any other errors.  -Daisy |
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Post by Kitty279 on Jul 26, 2012 2:36:03 GMT -5
I really like the prologue. You took time to develop the beginning a bit (not just "*flash* "Oh, look, books about Harry" - "Let's read"," like some people do) and to explain why it was Percy who went back. Then you took the reactions into consideration; it makes sense that Umbitch wouldn't just believe anything, that they would want confirmation and all that.
Spelling and grammar are ok, too, for which I am thankful. So, keep up the good work; I look forward to more!
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Post by Ithiarel on Jul 26, 2012 11:17:30 GMT -5
It took me a while to read - the chapter looked very daunting at first; a big fat block of text, like some heavy brick. I just couldn't bring myself to start. I'm sorry. Please, add space lines in the next chapter. I had to copy your prologue into Word and increase the line spacing by hand... That said, once I had done that, I really enjoyed your prologue. I remember reading another story once where Percy went back in time - but that was years ago. So, you are definitely working on a fresh take on RtB-fics.  |
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Post by Kitty279 on Jul 26, 2012 11:24:27 GMT -5
True. I wonder if it's a problem from copying over from Word? Had the same problem, until Point Given gave me a tip how to work around it. Technic can do th strangest things, I've seen cases on FFN where all blanks between words vanished and it became one endless word.
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Post by Dimcairien on Jul 26, 2012 11:30:12 GMT -5
There's information in the formatting thread for adding spacing with bbcode. That should help so you don't need to do it manually.
Other than that little formatting error, it looks quite good. I liked how you developed the prologue and made it believable instead of everything being thrown together in a few sentences. The group looks quite interesting and I look forward to what their reactions are going to be. I know Molly is going to be really angry when Dumbledore leaves Harry on the doorstep and I do hope that Dumbledore gets reprimanded for his errors, as with the rest of the group.
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Post by Kitty279 on Jul 26, 2012 12:37:29 GMT -5
I know, but I'm on a Mac, where it doesn't exactly work that way, and my Word for Mac has some strange ideas. Besides, Point was right - c&p into a new mail window, then copy new and paste into the box here works, too. No manual work necessary  |
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Post by rosyd555333 on Jul 26, 2012 12:39:57 GMT -5
Please, add space lines in the next chapter. I had to copy your prologue into Word and increase the line spacing by hand... Thanks for the review! The text was spaced out and had indented paragraphs when it was in word, but it didn't copy over right. How do I properly space my text? |
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Post by Kitty279 on Jul 26, 2012 12:49:28 GMT -5
I had the same problem when I helped Point Given. He gave me a tip - look at my last post above (reply #5), there I did explain. Worked perfectly.
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Post by Dimcairien on Jul 26, 2012 13:43:12 GMT -5
I know, but I'm on a Mac, where it doesn't exactly work that way, and my Word for Mac has some strange ideas. Besides, Point was right - c&p into a new mail window, then copy new and paste into the box here works, too. No manual work necessary I too am on a Mac, but figured it out. I could try to explain how I did it if you'd like, but it seems as if you have figured out a way around the formatting. |
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Post by Kitty279 on Jul 26, 2012 14:02:40 GMT -5
For the spacing problem I indeed know that easy solution. Plus, I needed it for Point Given's fic, and that one is already done. But in case I ever need something like that again and have problems, I'll get back at you and see if we can work the problem out. Thanks for offering, in any case!
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Post by Ithiarel on Jul 26, 2012 14:07:33 GMT -5
Thanks for the review! The text was spaced out and had indented paragraphs when it was in word, but it didn't copy over right. How do I properly space my text? Well, I write my story on a Windows PC with OpenOffice - and I have no problems. BUT you need to leave out any formatting (like indented paragraphs and such). Just write the [ b] tag around text you want to bold and the [ i] tag around text you want to put in italics and press enter twice when you want an empty line. (Don't write with line spacing 1,5 or higher. Keep it at line spacing 1!) Then, everything is formatted from the get go, and you can just mark the whole thing, copy and paste it into the board. Adding the tags while writing may feel strange at first, but once you get used to it, it saves a lot of time and trouble. |
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Post by yorushka on Jul 26, 2012 18:19:34 GMT -5
I like how you took your time with the prologue, that may be very well the longest one in the history of RtB stories There's just one thing - Inquisitorial Squad didn't exist yet in November 1995. I hope that your story will be added to the home page or at least amongst those "Other Reading the Books Fics" so that it's easier to find |
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Post by RogueNya on Jul 26, 2012 18:37:35 GMT -5
Interesting story so far, looks like it will be pretty good to, so look forward to reading more ^^
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Post by jeeva160889 on Jul 26, 2012 19:27:44 GMT -5
Love the prologue!!! do update soon!!!
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Post by RogueNya on Jul 28, 2012 21:50:16 GMT -5
Well I did not get far in this chapter as it was bit hard to read but mostly to offer a suggestion to go back and mark the Book content so it can be separate to the comments but also to break everything up a bit with a space and not one long stretch of text....
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Post by rosyd555333 on Jul 28, 2012 22:01:33 GMT -5
Well I did not get far in this chapter as it was bit hard to read but mostly to offer a suggestion to go back and mark the Book content so it can be separate to the comments but also to break everything up a bit with a space and not one long stretch of text.... I know, but it's all edited now. I had to go do something and didn't have time to finish editing. |
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Post by jeeva160889 on Jul 29, 2012 0:08:24 GMT -5
Another wonderful chapter. Waiting for Sirius to strangle Dumbledore for not checking up on Harry when it is revealed that he was sleeping in the cupboard... |
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Post by brokenquill92 on Jul 29, 2012 0:23:27 GMT -5
This is really good but the Weasley twins seem more childish than playful and I'd like to hear some of future Percy's thoughts about being near his family
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Post by Kitty279 on Jul 29, 2012 2:40:30 GMT -5
Really liked this chapter! You have a good balance between book text and comments. Didn't Percy take that document about Sirius being innocent? He could have used it. Oh well, the most important part is that Sirius gets cleared and doesn't have to stay in dog form for three books. Oh, you had Remus stun Scrimgeour, but they can't use magic! Making James a healer is a new one to me and rather original, usually he's made an Auror or hit-wizard. Interesting new idea *snort* You know, I always wonder how the Dursleys can think they are normal when they treat their nephew/cousin so abnormal! Normal people don't lock children into cupboards, normal people don't spoil one beyond reason and neglect and abuse the others etc.! The only normal one in the house is really Harry. Though I don't think they'd appreciate me saying that Yay for Sirius getting Dumbledore to look at Harry again! Well done! And of course, I want Harry to live with Sirius. Let's see what they think after the next chapter! *evil grin* One suggestion: It would probably make more sense to spell the Percy from the current time normal, as everyone else in the room, and the time traveller in italics, as he's the only one not from their time. Maybe it's because most others do it that way, but I always have to think a moment who's who with your fic. Anyway, can't wait for the next chapter. That one is going to be particularly interesting ;D |
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Post by IceBlueRose on Jul 29, 2012 13:42:46 GMT -5
I really like this one - though I was confused that Remus was able to stun Scrimgeour only a minute or so after Percy asked for the room not to allow them to use magic on each other. Was it because that spell was to technically protect Sirius from Scrimgeour or did Percy ask the room to allow that one so that they could question Sirius? (Though why he didn't just use that article or paper that he had, I'm not sure.)
And I really like what you did with James and Lily and their jobs - James is usually made to be an Auror and Lily is usually mentioned working towards a mastery in Charms or sometimes is working as an Unspeakable. It's so interesting to see James mentioned as being a Healer and that Lily wanted to work for the Daily Prophet.
And the way that Sirius challenged Dumbledore is fantastic. After the next chapter, I don't see how Dumbledore is going to be able to get away with a simple "Harry is safest with the Dursleys." Especially since they treat him like he's lower than dirt. *crosses fingers and hopes that Dumbledore is outnumbered and Harry can live with Sirius once he's free*
I think you nailed Snape's attitude as well. I had to grin when Sirius thought that Harry isn't James. I hope he points that out to Snape at some point because I just want to shake and smack the man for all his assumptions about Harry.
Can't wait for the next chapter!
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Post by jeeva160889 on Jul 29, 2012 14:47:29 GMT -5
I actually agree with iceblue rose about sirius mentioning that harry is not his father for three reasons. One is for snape as already mentioned but the second is for molly who thinks that sirius sees harry and james in their fight in ootp. Finally, harry should also know that he is liked for being himself, sirius' godson and not for being james look alike or boy who poved or even james' son...
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Post by rosyd555333 on Jul 29, 2012 23:03:36 GMT -5
Really liked this chapter! Oh, you had Remus stun Scrimgeour, but they can't use magic! Oops, I forgot about that. Oh well, the mistake is fixed now. I also added in a part about the article Percy brought with him. Making James a healer is a new one to me and rather original, usually he's made an Auror or hit-wizard. Interesting new idea Thanks, but the idea to make James a Healer wasn't mine. I got the idea from a fic called 'You Want To Make A Memory?" (http://www.harrypotterfanfiction.com/viewstory.php?psid=214225), where James decides to be a Healer so he can find a cure for werewolves. If you have a lot of time to kill, I would advise reading it, it's one of my favorite fanfictions. |
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Post by Kitty279 on Jul 30, 2012 0:40:55 GMT -5
Just went to check the changes. Much better, thanks! And it leaves Percy free to hex Fudge for being obnoxious, lol Thanks, might have a look later when I have more time. It would make sense for James to want to be a healer to help Remus! |
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Post by Sailorgreeny on Aug 1, 2012 15:34:51 GMT -5
I like this story, the character comes back from the future with the books thing is neat as long as it is explained in a way that makes sense. No 'boom and someone is back from the future to change history.'
Although I would have had Umbitch there JUST so she could see for herself the face of everyone when they see Voldie is back and again when the Dementor attack did happen and even better when they see what she did in detention. I believe that Blood Quills are illegal, or they should be. On the other hand her reaction to NOT being invited was good as well since she had no say in the matter.
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