Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles

[RandomPasserby]

For those of you who haven't heard of this, it's being called the best possible troll fic since My Immortal.

www.fanfiction.net/s/10644439/1/Hogwarts-School-of-Prayer-and-Miracles

A re-write of the Harry Potter books written by an American housewife who is afraid Harry Potter will turn her children into witches.

Featuring - the replacement of magic with Christian prayer, the transplantation of Hogwarts to America, the replacement of Hermione and McGonagall with girlish smiling clones, careerwoman!Petunia preaching evolution, gay stereotype!Vernon baking brownies.

Nobody is entirely sure whether the thing is genuine or a trollfic but what it is is alternately hilarious, deeply saddening and cringingly embarassing.

Highlights include

"Thank you very much for your concern, sir, but he does not need your religion, he has science and socialism and birthdays. Haven't you heard of Evolution? I have a very good textbook on Evolution that I could give you on it if you would like to learn things."

A tall, thin man with a long, pointed beard and big, wire spectacles stood in front of Harry. He was wearing a brown, tweed suit and a nice, matching hat. His shoes were made of leather and polished until they shone. He had a smile much like Hagrid's smile. So peaceful, Harry just knew he could trust him! A lovely, kindly young woman with flowing blonde hair and a pleasant, heart-shaped face stood beside this holy man.

"Hello, there, little one," the man greeted amicably. "I am the Reverend Albus Dumbledore, and this is my wife, Minerva.

Dumbledore cried kindly; and then got down on his knees. Everyone else did the same. Raising his large, massive, manly hands up to the heavens, Dumbledore bellowed in a voice even louder than Hagrid's had been, "Lord, please take us to the kitchen!"

the reverend's wife chuckled, before getting down to her knees and raising her own hands upwards. "Dear Lord, please set the table with the sky-blue cloth and the Sunday dishes, and please give us biscuits fried golden brown and gravy, creamy mashed potatoes, my great aunt Eleanor's corn casserole, corn on the cob slathered with butter, and for dessert, some chocolate raspberry cookies."

"There is a man named Voldemort who wants to destroy all that we stand for. He is pushing an agenda in congress which will stop us from practicing our faith freely."

No sooner had the thought crossed his mind when the Reverend Dumbledore came onto the Great Hall's stage; and dropped down to his knees; and raised his hands skyward; and screamed, "Dear Lord, please provide these devout young ones with three strips of bacon or links of sausage each-two for the ladies-a bowl of hardy oatmeal flavored with cinnamon and apple chunks; two poached eggs cooked all the way through; home fries seasoned with garlic; a glass each of orange juice and milk; and dishes up to the task."

"I don't hate Slytherin Hats!" Harry declared boldly. "I think they should become Gryffindor Hats; but that is because I love them! Besides, the Lord ate with sinners all the time!"

The Great Hall burst into applause as a red and yellow baseball cap with a lion embroidered on the front appeared on Harry's head. He hopped deftly off the table and landed on his little feet. He could feel the love of the Lord surging through him; and he knew he had made the right decision.

He was even more sure of his decision when Hermione dashed across the cafeteria to give him a big, spontaneous hug. She too was sporting a red and yellow baseball cap; although her cap had a kitten on it instead of a lion

[melodypottersnape]

I think I just threw up a little reading just a glimpse of this crap. Though at the same time I can't stop laughing because of how awful it is.

[physicssquid]

Why would anyone actually want to read that crap?

I mean really, it's so twee, and stupid, and if it's supposed to be a genuine story, then, my word, the author cannot write.

[RandomPasserby]

Bearing in mind that (if this is real) the person legitimately thinks reading Harry Potter will cause her children to become witches then I think she has bigger issues than her writing being twee.

[Kitty279]

When reading HP would actually make someone magical, then the magical popuöatopm on earth must have increased by a few millions over the last 15 years or so *grin* For some reason, though, I still can't cast a spell, no matter how much I read it.

Honestly, sometimes one can't help but wonder about the stupidity of these people.

[celticmagic]

I read it and one of the things that got me wondering was the praying. It seemed like she was using prayer as her own form of magic...'Please take up to the kitchen'? Isn't that like apparition?

[Kitty279]

Considering the witch hunts and the opinion of the Church about magic in most cases,up to burning the HP books, the replacement of magic with prayers may make sense to magic-phobic people, but I can't see how that is supposed to work. And never mind twee, the few lines in the first post are enough to give me the creeps. Thank you, but I will take the magical version any time over the religious one, no matter how much I may complain about all the magical plotholes.

[8lottie8]

Does anyone know if she's still writing it?

I go to a Catholic school and my RS teacher always found it hilarious (I'd show every update to him)

[Kitty279]

No idea, why do you not just click on the link in the first post and check yourself? Only you know how far you got and if there is anything new for you.