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Post by brokenquill92 on Jul 9, 2012 6:05:15 GMT -5
Tell me what you think
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Silvertongue
Headmaster/Headmistress
I've got Slytherin Pride
Posts: 1,595
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Post by Silvertongue on Jul 9, 2012 6:38:51 GMT -5
It's pretty good so far. I like how you've done Petunia's thoughts. One thing I would alter slightly is the way the paragraphs are. There should be a gap between the paragraphs like there is between the different view points, and with the view points maybe there should be an indicator that it's a scene change? Just a letter or asterisk would do. Also, make a new paragraph every time the speech is said by a new person. You have Teddy and Ginny speaking back and forth all in one paragraph, where it should be a new paragraph for each person. Otherwise, it's great and I'd be happy to fix those things up for you if you wanted a beta.
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Post by brokenquill92 on Jul 9, 2012 7:23:58 GMT -5
It's pretty good so far. I like how you've done Petunia's thoughts. One thing I would alter slightly is the way the paragraphs are. There should be a gap between the paragraphs like there is between the different view points, and with the view points maybe there should be an indicator that it's a scene change? Just a letter or asterisk would do. Also, make a new paragraph every time the speech is said by a new person. You have Teddy and Ginny speaking back and forth all in one paragraph, where it should be a new paragraph for each person. Otherwise, it's great and I'd be happy to fix those things up for you if you wanted a beta. sure thanks |
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Silvertongue
Headmaster/Headmistress
I've got Slytherin Pride
Posts: 1,595
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Post by Silvertongue on Jul 9, 2012 7:25:48 GMT -5
Could you send the completed chapter to my email address once you've finished it? My email is poka_dance@hotmail.co.uk
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Post by brokenquill92 on Jul 9, 2012 7:27:30 GMT -5
Sure
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Post by rozalla on Jul 9, 2012 13:15:51 GMT -5
A like the idea. You don't find enough of reading stories with adult Harry without time travel. Just try to make it more visually pleasing to read.
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Post by devil101 on Jul 9, 2012 18:55:13 GMT -5
This is a great start and I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes
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Post by nunners on Jul 9, 2012 19:08:28 GMT -5
Great start; I agree with what everyone is saying, and hope that you update soon!
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Post by RogueNya on Jul 10, 2012 15:11:34 GMT -5
The Prologue is decent enough, though I am looking forward to the First Chapter be able to read more ^^
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Post by IceLumos on Jul 10, 2012 16:15:18 GMT -5
The First Chapter Was Great! I Was Just Wondering If You're Planning On Having Ron, Hermione & Their Kids There Too? Post Soon!
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Post by brokenquill92 on Jul 10, 2012 16:20:20 GMT -5
The First Chapter Was Great! I Was Just Wondering If You're Planning On Having Ron, Hermione & Their Kids There Too? Post Soon! They will pop in around third book with Crookshanks |
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Post by IceLumos on Jul 10, 2012 16:32:11 GMT -5
Oh, I Was Hoping You'd Put Them In During The Journey From Platform 9 and 3/4 Chapter But That's Me. So Anyways, Can't Wait To Read The Next Few Chapters Especially When Ginny Finds Out About The Cupboard!
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Post by brokenquill92 on Jul 10, 2012 16:36:53 GMT -5
Oh, I Was Hoping You'd Put Them In During The Journey From Platform 9 and 3/4 Chapter But That's Me. So Anyways, Can't Wait To Read The Next Few Chapters Especially When Ginny Finds Out About The Cupboard! Ive done it so she found out sixth year and Ron and Hermione knew since second year after the bedroom rescue |
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Post by IceLumos on Jul 10, 2012 16:38:21 GMT -5
Oh, Okay Kool!
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Post by RogueNya on Jul 10, 2012 19:36:13 GMT -5
Well this was a great chapter, look forward to the next one ^^
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Post by brokenquill92 on Jul 10, 2012 22:46:25 GMT -5
Thanks
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Post by gryffindorfan20 on Jul 11, 2012 8:57:45 GMT -5
Great chapter,I wonder how Dudley's wife and Harry's kids are going to take the living situation that they had; however I wouldn't want Ginny mad either "The Vanishing Glass" chapter should be very interesting for them all to read. I hope Vernon and Petunia learn from this experience the most though as well as Marge. How they treated Harry should not have been taken so lightly.
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Post by brokenquill92 on Jul 11, 2012 9:00:08 GMT -5
Great chapter,I wonder how Dudley's wife and Harry's kids are going to take the living situation that they had; however I wouldn't want Ginny mad either "The Vanishing Glass" chapter should be very interesting for them all to read. I hope Vernon and Petunia learn from this experience the most though as well as Marge. How they treated Harry should not have been taken so lightly. I want the reaction to be shocked, then disgusted, then grief more than anger |
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